Lost: Soul Mate

When that person who you thought the world of disappears from your life. When their presence in the same room as you made you happy. When all you wanted from life was in front of you, but something happened. The relationship went sour, I stopped being attractive, in mind and body, she stopped wanting to be near me, I was rejected by the one person I thought the world of, I trusted implicitly, everything I did from that moment was wrong, it was like frantically moving in quick sand, it only seemingly sped up the process of drowning. I initially only calmy moved about, I tried to change myself while we were still living together, I more attempts to clean up, to cook more, to be generally nicer. Nothing was working, she only became more distant. The sense of loss was excruciating. Months went by and the distance grew, nothing I did worked, and it only served to make me more anxious. Eventually despite the attempts I had made it was through mutual agreement that she moved out. The moment she moved out, I was still hopeful. But I should have known better, I didnt even know where she lived. A chasm opened up, she tried to make it wider, I clung on. I didn’t think she wanted to end it, she said she wasn’t sure. Was I supposed to read between the lines. She needed space she said. I didnt understand what I had done. Their would be clues, she returned all my things, she parted me from her life all together. I was hurt, but I couldn’t believe, I kept going. I tried to maintain contact, which would only result in awkward silences between my emails. I didn’t understand, for me there was an unbreakable bond. I felt foolish and in pain. I tried to keep my life running, I did all I could during those brief months to salvage what was to me the biggest part of my life. But as time went on, I felt I meant less and less to her. We met once, I was incredibly nervous but happy, it seemed so normal. Shortly afterwards, She asked to finish it completely. I was in shock, for months I had tried to maintain a positive outlook, to be hopeful, I had tried to maintain my dignity and keep working despite the emotional strain that was mounting inside me and suddenly this. Sure, to someone other than me, this had been months in the making. But I had in my mind that the bond was unbreakable and that through trials we would make it work, but no, I realised suddenly I was in a bubble. My world crashed, in those first hours, I clasped to hope,  I quickly tried to send my feelings to her via email, she said she was busy, maybe she was. But to me nothing was more important. Nothing mattered any more, my masters was in tatters, life meant nothing to me without this women. Feeling there was nothing I could do. I was left to despair on my own. I couldn’t comprehend what had happened. Suddenly something clicked inside me, some inner madness, I sent myself into a fury, I decided nothing made sense, I would find out, I needed to know, I sent emails to people I shouldn’t have, lashed out needlesly and with fultility. The burden was to great, my world was gone, I contemplated suicide. I still do. I sent emails, and waited, nothing, several days later, I get a phone call, she berates me, i’m a creep, she will call the police. The disconnect, horror, I plunge into despair, nothing makes sense, What was has nothing to do with what is. Her words rattle in my brain for a weekend. The world is a nightmare, nothing can help me now, My anxiety and depression is a bottomless pit. Not only is there no hope, but the love of my life hates me. I move in and out of severe depression, volatile. Come the following monday, a grey mood grabs hold of me and I send two emails two her, one more vile than the next. Their is no lower  that I can go. In the morning i’m arrested, she took a statement and I have been arrested. I’m in a cell for a day, the stark reality of it,  contrasts against the self hate that is brimming within me. That evening I am taken to a mental ward, I will stay there for a week. The medication keeps my mood flat. I’m let go, I stay at home and attend an acute day centre during the day. I also make an outing to see the lawyer. During this time, I’m recounting what has happened to various different people. The reality of my situation is a distant memory. Eventually I make it home, I’m taking medication. I make attempts to keep my head busy and a lot of the time it works. But there is realisation that keeps growing of the importance of what has happened. Yet still here I am, maybe in denial, I now dream of a reunion, but at the same time I fear I will never ever hear from her again. Maybe she is scared of me. Maybe my words have scared her beyond anything I can do to repent. My words are just words, against irredeemable acts to salvage something that I personally hold dear. There had been a moment in my life, when I had everything I could possibly want. It was heaven on earth. And I blew it. I know how it ended, not how it started. I said things to her, like ‘I want my four years back’, I told her she was a ‘bitch’. Did I mean it? No, I was spiteful. Can anything be preened from the wreckage, no. Do I want to go on past this point? Not really, there is nothing keeping me here.

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